One of my ex-boyfriends used to jokingly say, “Parents, they never turn out the way you want!” . I used to laugh knowing that there was much truth in this statement. With Mother’s Day coming, I am thinking about how “My mother did not turn out the way I wanted.”
When I am helping my clients attract soul love, we often spend time on their relationship with their mothers. This is not surprising given that this relationship is crucial in determining all other bonds we form throughout our lives.
Psychologists like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth have dedicated their careers to the concept of attachment. They say that when the primary caregiver is available and responsive to an infant’s needs, it allows the child to develop a sense of security. If a child does not develop a secure attachment to their mother, they can go though life feeling and believing that they will not be protected or cared for by anyone in their lives.
I really did not know my mother. When I was born she was dealing with a severe and persistent mental health issue. Well, she was given a number of diagnoses, but these labels really don’t matter anymore. Because of her mental health, she was unable to be responsive to my needs or protect me. She attempted suicide many times and had regular long-term hospital stays. She was either present and contributing to the chaos, dysfunction and unpredictability in the family or she was absent. This did not make for fertile ground for a secure bond.
Like myself, many of my clients did not receive “good enough” parenting. At times, their mothers’ were downright abusive. And, this set them up for insecure attachments. When someone who is supposed to love you and protect you, fails you, you come to believe that you are not worthy of someone who will. Even if you are not aware of this belief, the Law of Attraction responds accordingly and confirms it.
As a teenager, I had a lot of shame about my mother. I also had a lot of anger towards her. She was not easy to love. But, I never really blamed her for how crappy my life was going as a young adult.
When my mother died, I was 25 years old and she was in her early 40s. I did her eulogy and I made sure the song by Bette Midler “The Wind Beneath My Wings” was played beforehand. In the last year of my mother’s life, I grew to admire her. In fact, it was at this time that I caught a glimpse of who my mother really was.
I remember visiting her in hospital and with sincere earnest asking her what life had been like for her growing up. And, as she spoke, it was the most clear and sane she had every been. I really understood that day how strong she really was and how deeply she had been hurt by life.
Many of my clients have difficulty letting go of blame and anger towards their mothers. They may have a sincere desire to do so, but they continue to repeat and rehearse their “victim” stories. This old story frequently continues because they want their experience and emotions to be validated; they want to be seen, heard and understood by the other. Often, they were not validated growing up and continue to be invalidated by others. It is natural for us to want to be validated and we deserve relationships where we are validated.
But, there are 2 key things that are missing that prevent us from letting go of blame and anger:
1. If we do not know how to validate ourselves, other people’s validation is a mere “spit in the bucket”.
If we are not able to:
Recognize our own experience as making sense given current or past life circumstances
Acknowledge our experience as understandable
Take ourselves seriously; or
If we discount or trivialize our emotions and experiences, we can never fully receive another’s validation.
2. If we do not know how to validate our mothers’ experiences. Our mothers were not born in a vacuum. Given their conditioning, line of thinking, and feeling their experiences and behaviours do make sense and are understandable on some level. All behaviors are valid in some sense, but not in every sense.
Validation is a way to release judgment and blame. It is a way to practice the Law of Allowing . When we Allow we buy into this idea, “We are all doing the best we know how given our conditioning, beliefs, circumstances and present needs.”
A very Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mother’s out there!
I love you MOM! xoxoxo
If you would are struggling to attract or create “Soul Love” because you are unable to let go of past hurt and resentments, I would love to help you out. Please contact me at http://www.francescadattilo.ca/contact for a free “Soul Love” Discovery session. Regularly valued at $ 150.00. I only have 3 spots available, so act fast (limited time offer)!